It’s easy to get wrapped up in the lust of it all when dating someone new. You feel butterflies in your tummy and your vagina can’t help but throb a little during a hot and heavy makeout session. But, do you know the man that’s getting acquainted with your genitals? Do you know what his values, desires, and priorities are? Do you know what dating questions to ask him to get to know him at his core?
We often jump straight into a relationship before discussing relationship matters. You know that he wants kids, but what is his parenting style? He has a great job with benefits, but has he shared his ideals regarding money and relationships? To help you decide whether your new potential bae is a match for you, we tapped into our pool of relationship therapists and asked them to share dating questions to ask him.
17 Dating Questions to Ask Him, According to Therapists
What’s your relationship like with your parents/family?
What do his parents have to do with it? In my experience, everything. Kimia Anderson, AMFT and primary therapist at Alter Health Group, suggests digging into his family dynamics because “it’s a great way to get to know someone’s background, what they value, and how they’re going to interact with their future family if that’s what you want to create with them.”
How do you like to spend your weekends or days off?
You like to go to brunch on Sundays (bottomless mimosas for the win!), he likes to stay in and lounge (he’s a homebody after all). This may not bode well for your future happiness. Learning how he likes to spend time off is a great dating question to ask him, as it gives you insight into his lifestyle preferences. “This will be good to know if their type of personality will fit yours, or if their personality will challenge yours,” Anderson shared. “If they like to be busy and active or if they like to rest and stay in, what best fits your lifestyle? Do you want someone to match you or challenge you? Neither are wrong answers!”
What is your love language?
According to Licensed Family and Marriage Therapist, Katheryn Perez, discovering your new love interest’s love language can help you understand and unmask his needs. When you know his love language, you will understand how he needs to be loved. Not sure what a love language is? Grab Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, to discover yours and his.
Do you have anything you’re working on that you’re passionate about?
Often we are more than our 9-5, which is why it’s important to know if he is working on a side project, business, or anything else they’re passionate about. “This is a great opportunity for you to learn about what is important to that other person for many reasons,” Anderson said, “this could be something you remember and ask about in the future, which could make them happy you remembered something important to them.” This is a great dating question to ask him because it offers a window into what he values and what else he does with his time.
Who are the most important people in your life?
When you discover the most important people in his life, you’ll know who to impress. This makes the list of questions to ask when dating someone new because you’ll probably be around his VIP members. Also, they say birds of a feather flock together. Those that are essential in his life might reveal a lot about his personality and beliefs.
What was your last relationship missing and/or needing?
Talking about exes can be tricky if you don’t ask the right questions and dwell on the wrong stuff. However, if you don’t ask for details about his last relationship, you’ll miss out on discovering what was lacking and what he needs to be fulfilled in a relationship. “This can be challenging to
ask and even answer,” Kimina added, “but it’s okay to reflect and learn about what you’re looking for to be different this time.”
What is your attachment style?
Developed by psychologist Mary Ainsworth and psychiatrist John Bowlby, our attachment style reveals how we relate and connect with others in relationships. Our attachment style is shaped in early childhood due to our relationships with our parents. There are four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. The healthiest attachment is “secure,” where a person in a relationship feels they can trust their partner and can accept love easily. So, do some research and discuss attachment styles. This is a great dating question to ask him as it reveals childhood issues, so make sure you are both comfortable enough with each other to discuss attachment styles.
What is your favorite way to relax, de-stress or have fun?
For a light approach, ask what his hobbies are and discover if you share mutual interests. Sharing mutual interests with your partner can be a lot of fun, as you can enjoy activities together. This question is also a great way to discover if “the person is energized by being around people or taking time for themselves,” said Anderson.
Do you have any pet peeves?
Pet peeves may seem trivial, but if you have enough of them, according to your partner, it can kill a relationship. A great question to ask when dating someone new, knowing his pet peeves gives “great insight into how people think and what challenges them.” It can also reveal any issues with compatibility.
What is your relationship like with money?
Did you know that most marriages end in divorce because of money? Whether you’re as rich as Oprah or struggling with the rest of the middle class, how we view money, use money, and the value that we give money affects gender roles, relationship finances, and #couplegoals. If he’s a big spender and you like to save, how do you reconcile that difference? If you want to raise your kids and work part-time and he wants you to put your kids in daycare, will you feel resentful? If you believe that sharing is caring and he wants to split everything 50/50, are you insulted or do you accept it without an issue? Money makes the world go ‘round, so make sure you discuss the mighty dollar before you commit.
How would you describe yourself?
This can open up a door to a lot of different conversations and show you how they think about
themselves. Are they self-critical? Is their ego showing? Do your personalities match? Is this even what you’re looking for?
This list of dating questions to ask him is a great place to start! If you want to dig deeper (maybe do so when you’ve gone through the first 10!), you can also ask the following questions:
- Who is part of your support system?
- What or who do you value the most in life?
- When are you expecting from your partner?
- What is something you are not willing to compromise on?
- How do you handle conflict? Or difficult conversations?
- What are your thoughts on religion, politics, and the social problems taking place in the world right now?
Now, go forth and discuss! Make sure to listen to his answers. Assume nothing. If you like what you hear and have similar answers, he might just be more than a makeout sesh. So, take a pen and paper (or just share this article with your boo) and start talking!